Sunday, February 24, 2008

An emotional weekend for us

This may get long, but I need to type it out...just sharing our two anniversaries this weekend.

Exactly one year ago today, D and I stood in front of a judge, raised our hands (yes, D did, and D and I officially became mommy and son.

The very next day, my grandad died. He had alzheimers disease, and it was a long, rough road. I'd like to share some of that, hopefully it will be cathartic to me.

My grandad had been going downhill since his heart surgery in...umm...2003? Maybe 2004. Anyway, on March 1st of 2006, we put him under hospice care so that he could stay at home with my grandma. She committed herself to taking care of him, and I admire her so much for that. My brother helped out almost fulltime, and my aunts traded out a couple of nights a week. I went over there two evenings a week to give some relief as well to my grandma. In august of 2006, D was placed with me. It wasn't the greatest timing. As my grandad continued to go downhill, I felt a lot of guilt that I could no longer go over there in the evenings. He was just too sensitive to have a 2 year old around! There were two moments, that he seemed to notice D, but he had hallucinations of a little girl in the house, so I don't really know if he ever "knew" D. As it got closer to February of 2007, he went into a coma about 10 days before he died. The hospice nurses were wonderful, but they told us almost every day that it was his last day. His body was dying, and we all wanted him to go, but didn't want him to. D spent a couple of nights at friends houses during all this. I truly felt I needed to be with my grandad during these last days, and spent hours, just sitting beside his bed holding his hand. I prayed outloud with him, told him I was sorry for all the stupid teenage crap I put them through, and just sat in quiet watching him.

I spent 8 hours at my grandads side the day before the adoption. Thankfully, D was content to play outside at my grandma's and actually took a 2.5 hour nap. The whole 8 hours I was there, my grandad had the hiccups. And hiccups in a coma, are the most awful sounds ever. He hiccuped every minute or so, and after every one would briefly stop breathing, then start again. It was horrible. The nurse was finally able to get a medicine delivered that stopped it after 8 hours. I watched his fingers go from pink, to light blue, as his organs shut down.

The next day, adoption day, was difficult. My grandma couldn't come, obviously, and we all debated rescheduling, but I decided to get it done...for D and I's sake. Afterward, we went to breakfast with my dad and his wife, who had come down from Oklahoma for it. Then, back to my grandma's to sit and wait again. That night, was D's adoption party at the Wiggles Center, and we kept that party as well.

The next day, more sitting with my grandad. We knew it was getting REALLY close. His fingers were all blue, and his breathing was super erratic. We were waiting on my aunt and uncle (my grandads only son) to get in town from Houston. They arrived, and we left to go to my aunts so that the house wouldn't be chaotic, esp. with D there, who needed a nap. 15 minutes after we left my grandma's house...which was 20 minutes after my uncle got to my grandad's bedside...and right when that bright orange dust storm came through last year, on Feb 24th, 2007, my grandad passed away.

So today (Saturday) is such a great anniversary and Sunday is going to be super sad for us all. Its hard to think that these two dates will always be intertwined. As if God gave us D, knowing He would be taking my grandad.
And its weird, sometimes D gives a grin, that I can SO see my grandad in.

Anyway, just had to share this. Not really looking for a response, but it helped to write it out.

I'm attaching some pictures. One of D and I with the judge, my fav pic of D and my grandma, and my fav pic of my grandad.

Its been a heck of a year without you, I miss you Grandad. Can't wait to see you again one day, and I just pray that whenever you look down and see us, that you are proud of me. I hope that I can raise D to have the same values and morals that you did.

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